Hola!
So, its day 4 of blogging this week, and I’m starting to feel a little more like my old writer self. I almost forgot how good it feels to sit down at the keyboard and get to work.
Today’s post is a little out of the box for me. I make it pretty clear that yoga and mediation are a huge part of my life, and that cultivating those two practices and truly committing to them have been key in my recovery from anorexia and bulimia. Beyond that, developing these two practices have taught me how to bring my best and highest self to my life. Because I talk about these two things so much, you can probably deduce that my spirituality is of huge value.
On the blog, however, my own spirituality is something I try to stay away from posting about. I never want to sound preachy, and I don’t want to open the door to a discussion about whether my views and beliefs are right or wrong. For the most part, I mention spirituality in abstract terms. I talk about Love, Beauty, and a Higher Power or Soul Source, but try really hard to take the focus off of what I personally believe and experience in terms of God.
Today, however I’m going to share a little about my personal spiritual beliefs–so be warned.
After yoga class last night, we were laying in savasana and a song came on that I’ve heard about a zillion times, and don’t really even like. While I totally respect and adore Adele as an artist and songwriter, I’m really f*cking tired of most of her songs. Last night, though, something was different. The lyrics were speaking right to my heart, as though God was speaking to me directly through the music.
I started to cry hearing the words in this way, because they so encapsulated everything I’ve come to trust about my Soul Source. Today, I feel completely supported, guided, and loved by my God. I have a relationship with this being that is multidirectional. I speak, and God speaks back. I have a dialogue going with God for most of the day, and its the most honest relationship that I have. I can thank God for the way the sunlight comes through the trees outside my office, because it genuinely delights me. I can also ask God “why the F*CK are you doing this to me right now? I really can’t see any lesson or benefit, but I’m hoping really hard that somewhere there is one”. I’ve learned that its safe to tell God when my trust is faltering, and when I don’t fully believe that things are working out for the best. I’m also starting to learn how to fully trust in God’s plan for me and the universe, so those instances of doubt come less and less. I’m learning the value of radical gratitude–my life, my relationships with others, and my relationship with God is deepened and enriched by my admitting gratefulness for anything and everything. I’m learning what it means to be in a relationship with God, not just have my life dictated by “his” will.
If you had asked me 2 years ago what my relationship with God was, I would have been thoroughly confused, and probably given a rather snarky response. I very much believed that a relationship with God was impossible, and that religion and spirituality were for weak people who couldn’t take care of themselves, or people who had no hope.
What I’ve learned over the past few years of dedicated study, a lot of reading, several classes, and a lot of prayer and meditation is that trying to live life on my terms will always end in hardship. By taking a risk, and placing my life in the hands of the creator of the Universe, I fall into a space of ease and flow. Instead of trying to force my way into a niche, or carve out a place for myself in this life, I can relax, and step into a plan where I fit perfectly.
Truthfully, I am to an extent a weak person who can’t take care of myself and has no hope. There is absolutely no way that I have the capacity to figure out exactly what my place and purpose is in this Universe, and how my path relates to all the people and circumstances that surround me now, have come before me, and are still to come. Trying to force my own path only led me to depression and anxiety, even when I was succeeding by all other measures.
My God allowed me to fall into serious pain and despair so that I’d eventually realize that the Love he provides is the only thing that could ever pull me out, and for that I am eternally grateful. My relationship is in no way perfect–I forget to pray, skip meditation, and probably still doubt more than I should–but its the most honest and real relationship I’ve experienced in my life so far.
Anyway, that’s my schpeal. For me, true recovery has meant creating a true relationship with a being outside of myself. Admitting that I am weak on my own has allowed me to tap into a power greater than I could ever imagine–one that never runs out and that I can constantly call upon. Believing that there is something/someone in this Universe who will go to any length to prove his love to me has given me the strength to believe that I can also give love to myself unconditionally, and under any circumstances.
If you read this whole thing, KUDOS. If it resonated with you, great. If you think I’m a nuthead, also great.
I hope you all have a great Thursday, and know that no matter what, you are always loved!
xoxo
Strength in Freedom 